Pedaling at full-speed update:

Not too long ago, every day was grouchy. My previous post explained how I kicked Grouchy to the curb and found joy in my life. And really, most days are productive and fun. Bliss! But I'm telling you, my friends, yesterday was not one of those good days.

I didn't returned to my old ways in full force, but I sure felt the tightness of irritation and not much joy. Yelling at my children is just one symptom and snappy remarks, sarcasm, and even detachment are just as harmful. Writing about what I'm going through isn't actually fun for me. Sure is easier to act perfect (especially in the blogging world). Yet, I feel a burden to share this journey. Thank you for your encouraging comments! I tell myself as I write each post that if I get no feedback at all that it is okay -- let God be in charge of where my words fall. My prayer is that other women can find the freedom in God's ever sufficient grace and the joy of truly engaging with their children.

So, back to my terrible day. There are triggers and identifying them can save the "blow up" from occurring. Even my best intentions were pummeled:

• staying in bed late when the rest of the family is up.
• skipping Bible reading.
• skipping exercise.
• skipping Rem's morning nap so we could go for a walk.
• potty training Mandy and the frequent "accidents."
• teaching Emma to ride her bike and start and stop by herself on our road.
• poor time management.
• convincing Emma that the world did not fall off of its axis because she scraped her elbow and knee 3/4th of a mile away from home. And no, I could not carry her bike, her, and push the stroller.
• being overheated (sounds lame, but I'm a tender flower when it comes to the sun)
• a messy house
• dishwasher that needs to be run at least twice to hold all the dirty dishes on the counter
• a toddler who unfolds the laundry I stayed up until midnight folding (and never put away, obviously)
• house projects that I see all day, but can't finish by myself.
• trying to talk on the phone with a friend and being interrupted by fighting children.
• finding Mandy's poop in my bedroom.
• finding Mandy's poop in the lawn.
• never finding Mandy's poop in the toilet.
• a husband whose phone is out of range all day and doesn't come home until after the kids are in bed.
• feeding myself and children Mac n' Cheese for dinner and reading the calories on the side of the box as I shovel another bite into my mouth. 100, 200, 300, 400.... 956.

All these things happened in my day. Some were by choice. Others were out of my control. Yet, all started the same chain reaction that I feel when frustration and irritation turn to anger. Whether I am mad at myself or someone or something else, my chest feels tight, I feel physically hot, my movements are jerky and rough, and my hands clench and want to hit something. Really, I just want to escape to a world where everything is just perfect. A perfect world where I would lounge around in a soft colored sweater set and never, never find poop in my room.

I recognize the physical signs and can usually back away before I do something or say something that I regret. When I started this process in November, each challenge felt like Mt. Everest. The best part of taking the control back from my own angry self and giving it to God is that with my behavior changes, it's getting easier. I talk myself down, come up with a game plan, pray for more wisdom, more strength, a dose of joy.... and a housekeeper.... and a free scholarship for Mandy to attend potty training camp.

When I slip back to my bad habits, I repent and try, try again. I have no fear that the challenges will keep coming my way like the weird game of Outhouse on my family's circa 1986 computer where we used the arrow keys to escape flying rolls of toilet paper. If I've snapped at the children I apologize and ask forgiveness. If I'm mad at myself, I make changes to accommodate my time management and figure out a way to make it right. I also ask myself if my expectations are too high or if I really made a poor choice: having a perfectly clean living room all day = unrealistic; loading the dishwasher after each meal = doable.

PS You should be very thankful that there are no pictures that accompany this post. :) Read More.. Read More..

Taking off the brakes. Pedaling at full speed.

Have you ever tried to ride a bike with its brake stuck against the tire? I have. I rode my bike with the brake stuck on for my entire childhood and adolescence. I'm sure of that now, but I didn't know it back then. I've never been what you would call "athletic" so I assumed that I was just bad at bike riding. Give me some hotglue, fabric and popsicle sticks and I was a happy camper. Bike riding? No thanks. When anyone would suggest, "Let's go for a bike ride," I would tremble in fear. Memories came back to haunt me of my aching muscles and sweaty armpits and trying in vane to catch up with the rest of the pack. I really hated riding a bike.

Then I got a new bike when I was in highschool and realized something profound: bike riding is fun when I wasn't pedaling so hard.

Since it took me more than a decade to figure out the bike thing, it is no small wonder that it took me so long to figure out other easy fixes. Like why I didn't enjoy mothering. Why being with my children exhausted me. Why others seemed to find joy in parenting and I just found sweaty armpits.

It wasn't just one thing that helped me take the brake off on my journey. And all these things have contributed:

• Reading the Bible in the morning with purpose and commitment instead of when I am too weary with my failures to see past getting to sleep at night.

• Praying for wisdom. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:3-6

• Believing that there is more to life in Christ than just "enduring." "I [Jesus] have come so that you may have life and live it to the full." John 10:10. 

• My own laziness and bad attitude were holding me back. "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." Colossians 3:23-24

• Reading good books pertaining to my life and based in Scripture: She's Gonna Blow! Real Help For Moms Dealing With Anger [Barnhill]. Sheparding A Child's Heart [Tripp]. Oh, and actually applying what I learned.

• Getting daily exercise. (T-Tapp, more on that later). I'm getting up an hour earlier and instead of feeling more fatigue, I actually have more energy and perspective to deal with the never-ending demands on my day. 

• Encouragement from other women who live admirable lives. Grace has written some great words about serving God by serving your family and also explains what homeschooling looks like in a real family. And Season's blog about child rearing and living on a God-made diet is inspiring. There are other blogs I follow too, but I know Season and Grace personally and they both encourage me greatly.

• "For the mother is and must be, whether she knows it or not, the greatest, strongest and most lasting teacher her children have." [Hannah W. Smith]. Realizing my children require discipleship not just discipline.

So the brakes are off and I'm pedaling at full speed. Actually loving the ride. Amazing? Yes. A miracle?Yes. Only by the grace of God? Yes. It's not always easy going though. I encounter challenging hills often and I feel like maybe I can't make it. But I've been relieved of my burden of anger and the frustrations that robbed me of energy. I can now step back from a situation and see, "Wow, this isn't working. What can we do to change it?" Sometimes it is falling to my knees in prayer and others times it involves preparing better for a situation by bringing a healthy snack. I'm not kidding. Life is that variable around here. Between God and peanut butter, we are gaining ground.

Here is an example of how things are changing in my world: my children's room gets cleaned by my children. Weird. I know. I've always struggled with the girl's messy room. I would yell, "This place is a pig sty. Start cleaning." When they didn't pick things up, I would yell more and louder, "Come on girls, work. Pick things up. Put them away." All the while I was madly putting their things away, growing more irritated by the second until I usually doled out angry discipline or stormed out of the room, leaving it a mess.

It was after one of those familiar frustrating experiences that I had a "wow, this isn't working. What can we do to change it?" moment. I called my mom and she suggested I teach my children how to clean their room. Teach them? Weird. I know. So, I started teaching them. Day after day, we spent in their room every morning. We sorted toys and gave a bunch away. Then, everything that was left had a place it belonged and both girls knew how to put everything away. 

The first step was to pick-up right beside them. I would say [calmly] that I would pick things up as long as they picked things up -- if they stopped, I would leave. We even worked on those piles that get pushed under things that even I want to ignore. It wasn't always as happy as a cashmere sweater. My oldest daughter can still throw a fit that would frighten a lion (I'm not in denial about where she gets it). And my youngest daughter gets easily distracted because, well, she's two. But I continued on with their training. Calmly is definitely the key word.

The next baby step was to leave them alone to clean. I usually did this in the morning while I was cleaning up breakfast dishes. I would set the timer for 10 minutes and tell them to go clean their room. I would be up to check on their progress. If nothing had been done, I started taking away privileges for the day -- no questions asked. If they were working after 10 minutes, I would help them for a few minutes and then go back down and set the timer for another 10 minutes. Most days this principle really worked well and I added a few more flights of stairs into my daily exercise routine. :)

We didn't make it up this hill in a day or even a week. It has probably been 5 or more months. Daunting.

Then, it happened. I was going up to check on the girl's progress and heard Emma say, "Quick, mom's coming." Usually that would mean, "Quick, look busy!" I was prepared to stay calm and "motivate" their progress like usual. Emma ran out of her room and said, "Stop, close your eyes mom." I did and she led me in to the room. I opened my eyes and they literally filled with tears as I took in the scene.

Two girls dressed. Two girls with made beds (by Mandy). Two girls with a very clean room. No piles even!

I love that Emma said, "We did it without asking." It was a happy, happy moment for me. I now have high exceptions for my children and they exceeded them. And continue to exceed them as I work with them. Not against them.

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Cooking with Kids, really

Children's cookbooks. Arg. They are everywhere. Emma checks them out from the library and pours through the pages, scheming about what she wants to make. Shall it be Peanut Butter Popsicles or Baked Apples with grape jelly sauce?

Children's cookbooks have fantastic, fun pictures. But really, do all the recipes need to contain peanut butter and jelly and/or cheese? A Sesame Street cookbook Emma checked out has a recipe for an omelet with jam inside. I wish I was kidding.

The thing about these cookbooks is that they inspire children to cook. That's a good thing. Right? Parents probably get excited about the idea too until about 10 minutes into the recipe. Then they are thinking of different names for the cookbook, like...

All the Muss, plus All the Fuss

Peanut Better and Jelly: how to ruin a good thing

Simple Meals Made Complicated

30 Minute Meals? Try 90 Minutes of Torture

Recipes for Destroying Your Kitchen, Patience, and an Entire Carton of Eggs

Before I got on this patience kick, or as I call it, attempting to climb Mt. Everest, I was all for "event" cooking with the kids. Let them frost some cookies. Sure! Call them in to dump the cheese packet in the Mac' N' Cheese. Sounds fun! Any attempt at completing an entire meal left me enraged, them crying, and dinner late for sure. So I shooed them out of the kitchen and hoped they could be occupied so I could actually get something done. Because, have you ever cooked with kids? Really. It is A LOT OF WORK.

Then, in my climb up Mt. Everest, I realized I was missing out on a great learning opportunity with the girls. Being in the kitchen with me teaches them...

obedience

teamwork

self control (ehem, let's not eat ALL the cookie dough)

math

how to serve others

and lets not forget that helping in the kitchen teaches them how to COOK!

I don't have the magic pill, but I will say that there are a couple things that I find helpful for successful meal prep with kids;

• 1) a SUPER big bowl makes stirring for uncoordinated hands easier, 
• 2) let the kids practice cracking eggs into a glass bowl first, check for shells and then dump them into the mix, 
• 3) allow at least twice the time for prep than the recipe states, 
• 4) require obedience the first time every time -- if they won't listen to you when you say no to cookie dough, then they won't listen to you when you are working with raw chicken either or handling a knife, and 
• 5) keep things moving, giving each child a job to do.

Let's make some dinner. It should take 30 minutes, but I'm allowing an hour and 15 minutes. On the menu tonight is Meatballs. And apparently my lens cap since Mandy is trying to devour it.

BEST MEATBALLS (without peanut butter or jelly, thank you very much)

2 pounds lean ground beef

Add:

1 TBS onion flakes (use the fresh equivalent if you have it)

1 tsp. garlic powder (use the fresh equivalent if you have it)

1/2 tsp. dried thyme

1/2 cup fresh minced parsley

2 eggs

1/2 cup milk

2 tsp. mustard

2 tsp. worcestershire

1 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. pepper (or steak seasoning is good too)

2/3 cup bread crumbs

Form into meatballs (about 1.5 inches across) and bake at 400 degrees for 15 - 20 minutes.

I love you Pampered Chef 32 Quart Stainless Bowl and the Mix and Chop stirrer thingy.

We added chopped celery to the mix because I had it on hand and Emma is addicted to Pampered Chef's Food Chopper. The girl will chop anything in sight.

She also chopped up the herbs.

That's snot running out of Mandy's nose. Are you hungry for dinner at our house now?

Sorry about that.

Mandy wiped her nose on her shirt shortly after this picture, so no worries.

Before you start to think that everything went swimmingly....

I found Mandy dissecting an egg shell with my sharpest knife.

And Rem woke up from his nap and thought he would like to join the action. He worked on sweet potato puffs.

 The girls added all the ingredients and then mixed and mixed some more. I like to use my mini-muffin pan for meatballs -- a good size and easy for little hands to fill the cups up with the meat mixture.

And there you have it. A meal prepared by children in a little over an hour.

We also made rice and green beans and served the meatballs with a little Yoshita's (because that stuff is super yummy). If you try the recipe, save out half for the freezer. The total recipe makes about 40 meatballs and they are delicious with spaghetti sauce too.

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An ordinary day with a better outcome.... plus a GIVEAWAY.

It's easy to appear perfect here. So white and bright and clean on my blog. I never post pictures of the nastiness (except if it is Bag Balm related). And I never, never yell at my kids. I never say nasty things to them. You think you know me... the perfect me.... but you don't.

This is what today looked like:

• Good morning world. Fed the baby at 7am. He spit up all over me and the sheets.
• I put on exercise clothes and made oatmeal for breakfast.
• I ate my oatmeal while feeding Rem some baby oatmeal with peach puree. Yum.
• Cleaned off the table while amazing husband loaded the dishwasher and started it.
• Picked-up the garbage around the house and found 15 dirty diapers sitting in the hallway where the garage can is supposed to be.
• Wondered where the garage can went.
• Said goodbye to my husband and sent the girls upstairs to get dressed, make their beds, and clean their room and put Rem in bed for a morning nap.
• Started the Shred DVD and began a very intense workout.
• Was interrupted by the girls coming down, one very smelly and one very unhappy with the smelly one. The girls started exercising with me, running through my legs during lunges and sitting on me when I did sit-ups. I endured the stench from Mandy's poopy diaper, then she decided to change her own dirty diaper and I paused the DVD to intervene.
• While I dealt with that mess, I wiped out the sink and cleaned the toilet because they were on my list for today from the motivated moms checklist.
• Rem was crying in his crib after hearing all the ruckus from dirty diaper #1 and I found that he had a dirty diaper too. Changed it making 2 for the morning.
• Tried to pick up the living room floor so I could vacuum and realized I forgot to give Rem his bottle. Sat down to feed him.
• Heard screaming from upstairs, "Mandy is cleaning the toilet and licking her hands!" I put the baby back in bed and ran upstairs to find not too bad of a mess, but plenty of germs ingested by Mandy. Gross.
• I encouraged the bed making, dressing, and room cleaning while I wiped out the sink and cleaned the toilet, changed the hand towel, and replenished the TP stash in the upstairs bathroom.
• Came back downstairs with a basket full of pink dirty clothes and vacuumed the living room, throwing everything from the floor onto the chair and couches. Another task to cross off my list.
• Ran to the basement and started a load of laundry and brought up 3 loads of clean and dry clothes to be folded. Added them to the couch to be folded later.
• Smelled something icky and realized it was me. Thought about taking a shower.
• Told Mandy to go to the potty and she did it. Amazing. Yay for dry underwear!
• Let the girls choose a Christian movie to watch on YouTube. They chose Adventures In Odessey. 
• I changed the sheets on the bed in my room where Rem puked on them and then stretched out on the comfy bed to take in some of God's Word. I read in Micah and then prayed for patience, endurance, and joy. Reminded me of an old cartoon called Anamaniacs: Pinky would ask Brain, "What are we going to do today Brain?" He would answer, "Same thing we do every day Pinky. Try and take over the world." That's my life. Every day: try to take over the world with patience, endurance, and joy. I also prayed for focus of thought as I banished the Anamaniacs and tried to pray again.
• Started another 10 minute continuation of movie for the girls and once again thought about a shower. The dishwasher was still running AND the washing machine. The combination would have been horrible, so instead I called my sister to see if she had done the Shred and more importantly to gloat that I had. While chatting, I swept the floor in the dining room, kitchen, and entryway.
• Another 10 minutes gone. The girls then watched a really strange, but Biblically accurate portrayal of Adam and Eve and I ran to take a shower. Hot/cold, hot/cold, hot/cold. Love water fluctuation in old houses! I was in and out and dressed in 5 minutes, face moisturized, and moose in my hair, hoping for the best.
• I found a wall in the hall covered in blue ink. I called for Mandy and she claimed she drew me a pretty picture. I got out the soft scrub and she scrubbed (to no avail). 
• I realized I was almost done with my extra chores for today and quickly did the last thing on the list, clean out the freezer. I got sloppy joes out for lunch.
• Moving on, I encouraged the girls to help me fold three loads of laundry by paying them with one piece of candy when they were finished. Both helped and folded with beautiful attitudes. 
• UNTIL we were done and I asked Mandy to go use the potty. She threw a royal fit, screaming, and throwing herself around. I left her alone to work out her frustrations until I heard, "Stupid mommy. Stupid." At that point she was made to change locations to the time-out chair where she encountered some "picy" on her tongue and other discipline. She also lost all chances of a candy prize.
• We then attempted school. Emma got out her book and reviewed the last letter while I talked with Mandy. She wanted to play Play-doh and I said sure, as soon as you go use the potty. She obediently walked into the bathroom and went with no complaint and dry underwear. Strange child.
• Rem woke up from his nap and had a poopy diaper. Changed #3 for the day.
• Rem played on the floor, Mandy played with Doh, and repeated everything I said while I talked with Emma about "C" "O" and "Q." Such similar looking letters, but are oh, so different.
• Almost time for lunch, I put carrots in the oven to roast with seasoning salt, salt, and pepper. 
• Made the girls set the table.
• Was thankful for hard to break Corel dishes.
• Nursed the baby who was far more interested in the dish breaking attempts in the dining room.
• Got a call from my husband saying he would be late for lunch.
• Smelled something gross and realized it was Mandy in her nice, clean (formerly) underwear. Changed #4 for the day.
• The baby cried for more food.
• Finally sat everyone down for lunch. Sloppy joes and carrots for us, oatmeal and apple sauce for the baby.

And here I sit, the house quiet with all three napping. My list isn't all that impressive, although I was a tad more motivated than usual. Moms have a constant "to-do" that look like this. Finish one thing, just to realize there is more to be done somewhere else. It is a relentless job.

I really reached a low this last Fall. The relentless, all consuming push of motherhood had taken the best of me and I was beaten. Although I had a new baby, it wasn't post-partum depression. I was void of joy. It was a bad attitude leaving me irritated with life 24/7. One morning in particular I woke up with dread like any other morning. My loving husband kissed me and tried to snuggle as I tried to hovel deeper under the covers, "What do you have going on today," He pleasantly asked. And I snapped back, "The same horrible day I always have. The children will make messes and be naughty, the house will be a filthy mess. I DON'T WANT THIS DAY!" And he was sorry for asking and happy he got to go to work.

On that morning, I finally grumped out of bed at the last possible moment and turned on the computer. A friend posted on Facebook that Dobson had a great podcast to listen to called, "Real Help for Angry Moms." I knew I needed to listen to it. I put a movie on for the girls and found the podcast on and listened while I cleaned a really yucky kitchen. I cried all the way through both episodes. The speaker, Julie Ann Barnhill talked about the frustrations of motherhood. Yes, they are normal. Yes, it's hard. And here is how to get through it without the anger. Without the stress and irritation that robs all the joy from the process.

I immediately ordered her book, "She's Gonna Blow, real help for moms dealing with anger." When it arrived in the mail a few days later, I devoured the contents. For so long I had known that I had a problem with anger, even reached out to a few other moms asking how they dealt with it, but received no real help. This book gave me real help.  Julie Ann defines the anger moms feel and then shows how to overcome it and change. Along the way, she gives concrete ideas based on Scripture. The book was just what I needed.

All this happened in early December and the road to change has come very, very hard for me. There are 40,000 things a day that are irritating. If you made it through my to-do list for today, you saw that I didn't finish my work-out, I had to change 4 gross poops (one being in underwear), found ink pen on my wall, was called "stupid" by a child, taught school, potty trained a 2 year old, and had a husband who was late for a meal I prepared. All of those things are reasons for me to simmer, be irritated and snappy and/or explode. But I didn't. By the grace of God and his ever sufficient grace, I am gaining ground and changing. I found joy and pleasure with my children like I've only heard about on blogs. My God is so good.

I know I'm not alone, but it is not an easy thing to talk about. Although I don't expect lots of comments saying, "I totally understand," I hope to lure you in with the promise of a free book. So, I'm giving away a "She's Gonna Blow," book to one lucky mom who is ready to read it. Enter to win by leaving a comment and I will randomly draw a winner on Thursday, April 29th. My only condition is that you are willing to read the book and that you think you might learn something. If your greatest life's stress is whether you should pick your toenails or watch Oprah today, then you need not apply.

Have a joy filled day,

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